Week 03 T&J With Della dan Cune

i have to admit, minggu ini topik tanya jawabnya bikin gw bingung. I’m a very simple person in context of living my life. Of course sometimes i’m over-complicated things, but not the big things. Never the big things. And this week questions are very very big. So let’s just start, might my soliloquy would find me the answer itself.

 

From Della: apa ketakutan terbesar yang masih lo hadapi sampai sekarang?

Ini pertanyaan yg bingungin bgt karena gw itu basically penakut. Hal pertama yg gw pikirin setelah memilah2 mana ketakutan terbesar gw adalah “gimana caranya gw bisa hidup nyaris 30 tahun dengan semua rasa takut ini ya?” Hahahahaaaa…

 

Gw itu takut tinggi. Gw takut ngomong di depan forum gede. Gw takut nyobain sesuatu yg baru. Gw takut sakit. Gw takut gelap. Gw takut sendirian. Gw takut sama  masa depan.

Tapi kadang gw jg ga ngerasa takut sama hal2 yg gw sebutin td.

Kadang gw menikmati angin di ketinggian. Kadang gw menikmati jd center of attention. Kadang gw excited sama hal baru yg bakal dtg ke kehidupan gw (Recent example: pas lg hamil Cantya). Kadang pas sakitnya udah dialamin ya pasrah aja gitu. Kadang kalo ngga gelap, gw gabisa tidur (ini selalu sih, bukan kadang). Kadang sendirian enak juga. Bisa ngobrol sama diri sendiri, bikin paham sama apa yg sebenernya gw mau, apa yg sebenernya gw butuh. Kadang masa depan itu ngga kepikiran. most of my big life choices are choosen without a long process of thought.

Jadi ya begitulah. Technically gw takut sama semua hal. gw khawatir sama hal-hal yang ngga gw ketahui dan di luar kapasitas gw. Tapi somehow gw terlalu malas juga untuk waspada. dan gue selalu ngerasa dan percaya bahwa there’s always silver lining in every scary things. so to summarized, i never see something as the biggest fear up until now. Everything is scary, but somehow i always act like everything never be bigger than me eventually.

Mungkin; kalopun emang harus ada; mungkin ketakutan terbesar gw adalah kehilangan sense of “lihat sisi baiknya” karena tanpa itu ya gw cuma penakut.

 

 

From cune: when you leave this world, what kind of person do you want to be remembered as and what do you want to leave as a legacy?

I never thought about it, really………..

Hummm….. (mikir super duper keras)

the thing is, gue ngga pernah melihat diri gw sebagai orang yang punya visi besar. atau yang sangat idealis ingin memberi sesuatu untuk generasi mendatang. i simply just living my life. I never thought of leaving legacy. I give a freedom for everyone that know me what they want to remember me of. soooooo…..

humm…….. maybe it will work if i tell you my background story.

When a was a little girl, i always thought that i’m a failure and unwanted. I don’t think i could fit in this world because nobody seems to want me. Sounds like a very complicated and gloomy feeling for a little girl, but think back, i actually feeling it innocently.

“Kayaknya aku ngeselin banget ya? yaudah deh ngga usah ngapa2in daripada yang lain pada kesel” — I simply just get to that conclusion and move on. living my life. enjoying it.

and i do enjoying it. so much. i learn a lot. i learn to make mistakes and take a good side of it rather than being scared of get scolded. i learn that there’s also a lot of happiness even in the smallest thing. I want some recognition and attention but when i didn’t get it, it’s okay. I didn’t feel that recognition  and attention is validating my existence. i’m still comfortable with myself and how i’m living my life.

So growing up i learn how to enjoy things to the fullest. Whenever i’m sad, just be sad and cry. I never deny it. I found that sadness would gone easier that way. I have no talent of being depressed anyway.

I think it’s nice to be remembered as that kind of person. The one that could overcomes everything life throws and has no talent of being depressed. The one that could realized what God try to Do with her (He’s very protective, now i realized).

and about legacy, i think it will be good if  i could share it, the blunt and reckless belief that everything will be fine eventually.

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