Week 03 T&J With Della dan Cune

i have to admit, minggu ini topik tanya jawabnya bikin gw bingung. I’m a very simple person in context of living my life. Of course sometimes i’m over-complicated things, but not the big things. Never the big things. And this week questions are very very big. So let’s just start, might my soliloquy would find me the answer itself.

 

From Della: apa ketakutan terbesar yang masih lo hadapi sampai sekarang?

Ini pertanyaan yg bingungin bgt karena gw itu basically penakut. Hal pertama yg gw pikirin setelah memilah2 mana ketakutan terbesar gw adalah “gimana caranya gw bisa hidup nyaris 30 tahun dengan semua rasa takut ini ya?” Hahahahaaaa…

 

Gw itu takut tinggi. Gw takut ngomong di depan forum gede. Gw takut nyobain sesuatu yg baru. Gw takut sakit. Gw takut gelap. Gw takut sendirian. Gw takut sama  masa depan.

Tapi kadang gw jg ga ngerasa takut sama hal2 yg gw sebutin td.

Kadang gw menikmati angin di ketinggian. Kadang gw menikmati jd center of attention. Kadang gw excited sama hal baru yg bakal dtg ke kehidupan gw (Recent example: pas lg hamil Cantya). Kadang pas sakitnya udah dialamin ya pasrah aja gitu. Kadang kalo ngga gelap, gw gabisa tidur (ini selalu sih, bukan kadang). Kadang sendirian enak juga. Bisa ngobrol sama diri sendiri, bikin paham sama apa yg sebenernya gw mau, apa yg sebenernya gw butuh. Kadang masa depan itu ngga kepikiran. most of my big life choices are choosen without a long process of thought.

Jadi ya begitulah. Technically gw takut sama semua hal. gw khawatir sama hal-hal yang ngga gw ketahui dan di luar kapasitas gw. Tapi somehow gw terlalu malas juga untuk waspada. dan gue selalu ngerasa dan percaya bahwa there’s always silver lining in every scary things. so to summarized, i never see something as the biggest fear up until now. Everything is scary, but somehow i always act like everything never be bigger than me eventually.

Mungkin; kalopun emang harus ada; mungkin ketakutan terbesar gw adalah kehilangan sense of “lihat sisi baiknya” karena tanpa itu ya gw cuma penakut.

 

 

From cune: when you leave this world, what kind of person do you want to be remembered as and what do you want to leave as a legacy?

I never thought about it, really………..

Hummm….. (mikir super duper keras)

the thing is, gue ngga pernah melihat diri gw sebagai orang yang punya visi besar. atau yang sangat idealis ingin memberi sesuatu untuk generasi mendatang. i simply just living my life. I never thought of leaving legacy. I give a freedom for everyone that know me what they want to remember me of. soooooo…..

humm…….. maybe it will work if i tell you my background story.

When a was a little girl, i always thought that i’m a failure and unwanted. I don’t think i could fit in this world because nobody seems to want me. Sounds like a very complicated and gloomy feeling for a little girl, but think back, i actually feeling it innocently.

“Kayaknya aku ngeselin banget ya? yaudah deh ngga usah ngapa2in daripada yang lain pada kesel” — I simply just get to that conclusion and move on. living my life. enjoying it.

and i do enjoying it. so much. i learn a lot. i learn to make mistakes and take a good side of it rather than being scared of get scolded. i learn that there’s also a lot of happiness even in the smallest thing. I want some recognition and attention but when i didn’t get it, it’s okay. I didn’t feel that recognition  and attention is validating my existence. i’m still comfortable with myself and how i’m living my life.

So growing up i learn how to enjoy things to the fullest. Whenever i’m sad, just be sad and cry. I never deny it. I found that sadness would gone easier that way. I have no talent of being depressed anyway.

I think it’s nice to be remembered as that kind of person. The one that could overcomes everything life throws and has no talent of being depressed. The one that could realized what God try to Do with her (He’s very protective, now i realized).

and about legacy, i think it will be good if  i could share it, the blunt and reckless belief that everything will be fine eventually.

Week 02 T&J With Della dan Cune

Week 02 ini pertanyaannya lebih greget daripada yang pertama. mungkin karena yang pertama kan baru pemanasan jadi yang rada ringan dulu. nah di yang kedua ini pertanyaannya lebih deep dan personal, juga membutuhkan jawaban yang panjang. that’s the reason why i made this blog! (lol)

Disclaimer: gw menjawab pertanyaan berdasarkan chronological order dari yang duluan terjadi pada gw.

 

From Della: Ceritain dong life-changing moment di hidup lo

gw ngga tau bener apa ngga, tapi gw mengartikan life changing itu sebagai hal yang mengubah perspektif lo pada sesuatu dalam hidup. jadi gw bakal menjawab berdasarkan momen apa yang sangat mengubah perspektif gw tentang sesuatu yang esensial buat gw.

i used to mock love (ejieeee… ketebak ga sih mau ngomongin ini, hyahahahaaaa…) >> malu sendiri

 

Ulang! ini versi seriusnya…

 

I used to mock love. growing up, me and my brother always chuckling when someone says “love”, “cinta”, “sayang” or even “suka”. ngga tau kenapa kita geli banget dengernya. ngga tau kenapa kita suka eneg aja gitu liat orang ngomongin cinta kayak ngerasa keren dan dewasa banget padahal pada masih SMP. dan kita suka ngerasa bahwa orang-orang yang lagi jatuh cinta itu super lebay. liat orang pacaran itu aneh dan ngga nyaman. kayak,, why you wanna do that in public? dan yang gw maksud dengan “that” adalah pegangan tangan, nempel senderan, dan hal2 yang lately gw lihat sebagai normalnya orang pacaran. but at those time, asli eneg. jadi kita pun cenderung meremehkan dan mengolok2 cinta, khususnya orang-orang yang mengaku sedang jatuh cinta. gw sendiri ngga pernah penasaran pengen ngerasain cinta, dan pas gw ngerasain cinta monyet pertama gw, gw pun masih menganggap doing foolish for the sake of love is… foolish. buat gw, gw ngga akan melakukan hal yang bakal bikin gw malu for the sake of love. ngga bakal. i just don’t think it’s worth it. no one worth it. i was so self-centered, but it was also feels so right. why would you do anything that harms or loose yourself anyway?

Sejak cinta  monyet pertama gw, gw ngerti pattern gw kalo lagi suka cowo. dan gw adalah anak yang gampaaaaang banget suka sama cowo. but then again, i wasn’t willing to do anything for any of them. kegedean gengsi. but i never unhappy about it. i never unhappy about choosing my pride over someone i like. so i was thought love is that easy.

but then God decided that i have to learn. so one day I’ve had fall for a guy. not the right guy perhaps (coz i’m not ended with him after all). I won’t explain precisely about him and how i love him cause i know Della and Cune kinda have a big picture about it (GEDE BANGET MALAH WONG DIJADIIN BAHAN GHIBAH MULU AMA AING X’DDDDD). i just want to explain how that moment change me.

I had feeling that not only the usual “rush” when i like someone, but also a certain feeling that we will make a good pair. i can’t explain how could it be, it just felt like it. i kinda knew i could understand and support him, i felt like i was on the same sphere; or lately i like to say it as “frequency”. i felt like i knew him so well i knew his coming by hearing his footsteps. and after all the knowing feeling i still had curiosity to know him even better. (catatan kecil: gue ngga pernah sedetail ini meriksa tenses gw dalam 1 paragraf to make sure orang2 tau bahwa semua yang gw certain itu happened in the past. but in case i miss something — no, i’m not feeling this way anymore to that guy.)

I didn’t realize soon that I was in love. i just felt something different, something that kinda pushed me inside. i had a quick relationship with that guy. later i could understand that it wasn’t meant to be. he’s not for me as i’m not for him. we actually have different frequency, different principal. but the journey for that realization is one hell of a ride.. i must confess i wasn’t handle it well. i wish i could do better, but that was me learning.

i was in believe that i’m the only girl who could love and understand him that much. and when i know he wasn’t feel the same my pride hurts. i never felt so sure but it turns up to be so wrong adn painful. i kept telling to myself that it’s his fault and it’s his lost. But nothing, not even one single reason, could ever made me relieved and let go. As time goes by, i now understand that’s me falling in love. Even the bitter of it, those all love. And then i understand all the love that I always had in me while i wasn’t realized it and mock it. That’s the reason why i cried when i see my mom cried even though i don’t know what made her cried. That’s the reason why although i weak about remembering important date, it seems hard to forget my brother’s birthday. that’s also the reason why i feel powerless and sad every time i heard my friend broken hearted and there’s nothing i could do.

so why i was in love with the wrong man? now i think about it, maybe because it gives me a lot of lesson. one, never mock up love again. two, i could embrace people around me more because now i realize i love them. three, i finally know what it feels to desperately want something and what it feels to keep straight to the things i need no matter how craving i am to something i don’t  need. i know what i want and i know what i need in terms of romance, i don’t think people could be this lucky but every lesson has it own price. I learned my lesson for months — if not years — and here i am, with the people i know i want and i know i need.

if that’s not life-changing, i don’t know what is.

 

From Cune: Ceritain dong momen dalam hidup lu yg meningkatkan rasa percaya diri lu banget, yang bikin lu ngerasa udah bisa ngelewatin/ngelakuin ini, gw bisa ngelewatin/ngelakuin apapun

nyariiiissss aja gw mau jawab dengan jawaban yang sama ke Della. jadi disatuin gitu ceritanya, part mana yang life-changing dan part mana yang confident booster. tapi ngga. kalo kata kuncinya “kalo gue udah bisa ngelewatin ini, gue bisa ngelewatin apapun” then ada yang lebih memorable.

gw adalah orang yang kebal sama kata “gagal”……. saking seringnya gagal ^_^; gw ngga pernah menang ikut lomba, tulisan cerpen gw ditolak gadis dan kawanku, gw ngga lolos ke SMA 2 Bekasi dan gagal 1 sekolah sama Ossa lagi, gw pernah ngga lolos S1 UI pas tahun 2007 yang membuat gw gagal seangkatan ama Della dan kebanyakan temen gw dikampus, gw bahkan pernah patah hati.

ngga menang lomba, kecewa sih… tapi gw emang ngga pernah expect diri gw untuk menangin kompetisi yang gw ikutin. gw lebih menikmati prosesnya aja. jadi no hard feeling.

cerpen ditolak majalah, gw malah seneng. wong dapet surat balesan dari majalahnya, bilang kalo cerpen gw ngga lolos. ngga tau kenapa gw seneng. mungkin karena ada harapan bahwa cerpen gw dibaca editor, terlepas dari dimuat atau nggaknya.

pas ngga lulus SMA pilihan itu sempet rada shock, tapi pas udah mulai sekolah gw jadi lega masuk sekolah gw. dan ternyata beda sekolah ngga bikin gw dan Ossa makin jauh, malah makin deket, secara kita jadi suka nyari2 waktu les bareng biar bisa main bareng. hahaha…

pas ngga lulus S1 UI gw nangis sih, sedih dan kecewa. tapi at least gw lulus D3nya. jadi ngga yang desperate banget.

pas patah hati sih rada lebay yah… gw inget ibu gw sampe mati gaya tapi berusaha nyemangatin gw, takut anaknya kenapa2 kali XD but no, i don’t really remember when i passed this phase. tau2 udah ngga patah hati aja. jadi ya gw ngga punya perasaan kayak udah ngelewatin masa itu.

 

gw ngomongin kepercayaan diri itu sama aja kayak aktor ngomongin teknik vokal, bukan ahlinya. tapi kalau pengukurannya ada di hal yang bikin mikir bahwa ngga ada satupun yang ngga bisa kita laluin gw rasa jawabannya adalah momen skripsian.

gw ngga suka sama skripsi gw, ngga puas. tapi kalau bisa balik untuk perbaikin skripsi gw, ngga bakal mau gw balik. i enjoy reading published research but i have a lot of problems just writing one of them. seems like i was so slow and can’t get what the big picture of my own research. what i was trying to share, i don’t feel like i wrote it well. proses nulis skripsinya pun mati segan hidup tak mau banget. gw ngga punya passion sama skripsi gw sendiri, pun temanya gw yang milih sendiri. i love relationship pattern, but not in a social structure context. jadi ya problem gw adalah gw gamau ngelanjutin skripsi gw tapi gabisa. nyaris 3 tahun gw selesein skripsi gw. pas di satu semester gw kira gw bisa naik sidang, eh ternyata gw kurang SKS aja loh. apes banget. semangat gw drained di situ. gw ngga bisa ngebayangin diri gw ngga lulus kuliah, tapi gw juga ada di momen dimana gw ngga kebayang skripsi gw kelar. hahahahaaa…

 

in the end ya gitu, skripsi gw kelar. gw sidang. tidak memuaskan. tapi gw baru ngerasain ada perasaan selega itu bisa dateng dari hal yang ngga memuaskan. kayak, gw tau resultnya ngga gw banget. tapi result dari result yang ngga gw banget itu menghasilkan hal yang lebih gw pengenin dari sekedar ngedapetin sesuatu yang gw banget; meninggalkan dunia perkuliahan secara melegakan, baik2 dan seharusnya. gw pun kaget karena walaupun ngulang 1 semeser untuk ngejar SKS itu berat banget (diawali dengan tangisan dan diakhiri dengan nilai pas2an), gw kok ngejalaninnya ikhlas banget. kayak pasrah aja gitu. ga ada lagi kesel sama keadaan, ngga ada lagi ketidakpuasan, ya jalanin aja. jadi pas lulus walaupun tidak dengan skripsi yang bagus, tetap aja penuh syukur. apalagi abis lulus tau2 ditawarin kerja ama temen pas magang diwaktu gw nambah semester. apalagi pas kerja tau2 ketemu jodoh. kalo diliat2, harga hidup gw sekarang ini ya 1 semester tambahan itu. cuma butuh 6 bulan yang diikhlasin untuk dapetin anugerah yang lebih gede lagi. God is the best Director after all.

 

Drama skripsi mungkin bukan drama yang suka gw ulang2 ceritanya, tapi ini adalah salah satu drama yang bikin gw ngerasa everything will happen eventually. jadi kalo lagi stuck, lagi ngerasa berat dan berada di titik terendah, sampe sekarang sih gw masih percaya in the end itu harus gw jalanin biar nanti dapet kebahagiaan berlipat2 lagi. hehehe…

 

 

 

entah kenapa buat ginian gw anaknya ontime ga deadliner macem nganggur banget… (kebetulan lg ga ada kerjaan jg sih lol)

Week 01 T&J With Della dan Cune

PROLOG: Gw ikutan event nulis kecil2an yg diadain temen gw Della dan Cune. Cara mainnya masing2 kita ngasih 1 pertanyaan utk dijawab, jawabnya boleh di medsos atau blog. Event ini bakal berlangsung selama sebulan, seminggu 1 kali T&J. Somehow di pertanyaan pertama gw udah rada ngga sreg ngejawab di medsos. Tp gw harus tetep ngetag di medsos, jd ya bela2in lah bikin blog trus post linknya di medsos. Gw ngerasa dg gitu gw lebih safe… gatau knapa. Hahahaa… Btw, karena buru2 dan gw ga kreatif judulnya rada errr… technically this event doesn’t has a name yet. Nanti kalo udah kepikiran yg lebih baik gw ganti title yah..  oke, tanpa perlu panjang2 lagi here we gooo~

 

From Cune: lagi (mau) belajar apa?

Somehow gw lg pengen ngapalin surat2 pendek quran yg di juz 30. Latar belakangnya karena inget bgt pas madrasah dulu gw hapal banyak sekarang cuma hapal beberapa. Alhasil kalo solat tarawih sendiri suka struggling mikirin surat pendek. Lagian kalo cantya gedean nanti, gw expect sekolah atau tempat les ngajinya akan mengajarkan cantya menghapal surat2 pendek. Kalo gw aja ga hapal gw ga pede mendampingi dia nanti bantu hapalin surat2nya. Hehee… sistemnya acak, gw ga hapalin dr an-naba, tp dr yg menurut gw possible buat gw hapalin aja (suratnya dibawah 20 ayat dan kebanyakan pendek2 dlm 1 ayat). progressnya sih sekarang baru apal 1 surat so still a loooong way to go.

 

From Della: kalo jadi warna, lo warna apa dan kenapa?

Oranye. Mungkin karena gw suka oranye yah. Tp justru krn gw pikir oranye similar sama gw makanya gw suka. Oranye itu nanggung, jd awkward dan berusaha ngebunglon kalo mau kemana2. Dia bukan merah yg bold, brave dan tough, bukan juga cokelat yg calm and misterious. Dan absolutely ga sepremium keduanya. Ya, orange ceria dan fun, tp ngga se-bright kuning. Jd pas lg sama merah, oranye bs jd agak penurut. Pas lg sama cokelat, dia bisa lebih vokal dan nyaman buat share pendapat. Dan pas sama kuning, dia cenderung keliatan dewasa dan kalem. Technically, gw sih ngerasanya gw itu oranye bgt. Hehehehee…

 

 

 

 

 

*title edited